“People become single parents for different reasons – some their partners died, some they were not compatible with their partners, some pregnancies were a consequence of rape, some become single mothers because their parents wouldn’t approve their choice of whom they had got pregnant for etc. It is sad that our society makes it look like it is a thing of shame but really, it is not.
The first thing I mention when I meet people is that I have a son. I am sure that within the first 20mins, I would have mentioned his name. I may have had reservations about involving him in my public life but, shame? No way – I am never ashamed that I had him!
For me, having a baby was something I really looked forward to. Eventually when I found out that I was pregnant I was so thrilled. I gave birth to a boy – and thereafter, everything changed. Right after having the baby, my relationship with my partner took a rough turn. Things kept happening and the relationship was falling apart very quickly such that nothing could undo the things that had been done. In the end, there was only one thing left – we two had to go our separate ways.
At first, I was confused – I didn’t know how to move forward. Yes, I had wanted a baby and I had been excited to have one; what I hadn’t been prepared for was the twist in the story that then left me dealing with all of the parenting as a single mother. Because I had so much doubts about how I’d handle being a single parent, the first thing I did was to let my son live with my sister.
My sister was married with kids and so I felt putting my son in her home would give him a feel of what a proper home should be like. Separating from him at that age was really difficult on me – I never saw him, I only spoke to him on the phone regularly but at some point, it became a really painful thing for me; then I began to blame myself.
Being a single mother can be really tough. There are days when I lock myself up and just cry. There are times when I just want to pour my heart out to someone – just to express how I feel. In that regard, friends have really come through for me. This is why I always tell single mothers to always voice out whatever internal struggles they may be going through.
Considering the circumstances that led to me being a single mother, the society never really helps to make the burden easier to carry. When people hear that you’re a single mother and then they begin to bombard you with all sorts of question, almost insinuating that your relationship failed because you were not patient enough or that you didn’t put up a fight enough to keep the relationship.
Because of the job that I do, some people assume that I was not submissive or I wasn’t serious; they then conclude that that was why the relationship didn’t work out. People hear that you’re a single mother and the assumption-gymnastics begin. No facts of the issue, just tons of assumptions.”
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“Sometimes, I really can’t tell how I have been coping with all of the things I have had to deal with as a single mother – I can only say it has been God. Some of my friends see the things I joggle with and say, ‘Ah! Folakemi you’re trying o, if I were in your shoes, God knows – I might be in a psychiatric home already or something’.
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I don’t know where the strength comes from to take it one day at a time but I am grateful to God for it. I am the kind of person who doesn’t bottle things up in the name of being strong and so whenever I need help with something, I have been blessed to have the support of friends and family I can call upon and I do.
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Being a single mother comes with certain pressures, chief of which is to remarry. When my friends (or my aburos for that matter) are getting married, I am not pressured to want to get married. In fact, I can’t even count the number of friends and aburos that I MC’d their weddings; and they are free with me; so free that they’d ask me, ‘Aunty, shey e e fe marry ni?’ and I’ll reply them and we will talk.
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Of course, I want to remarry but there’s so much more to consider now. Whomever I am going to get married to must be a strong and mature person because he would have not just me in his life – my son too would be a part of his life. Often, I explain to him why he can’t have all those things yet and why it is important to get the choice right and if it’d take time, it should be the price we are willing to pay. After all the things I have been through with my son, I don’t intend to get separated from him anymore. That means that if I am going to remarry, I am going to have him with me.
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Some men assume that because you’re a single mother, you’re desperate and then they try to hurry along the dating process. They remind you of your age and; more constantly, of the fact that you have a child already. They say things like, ‘why are you dragging your feet, what are you still waiting for?’
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For me, that I am a single mother doesn’t mean that I have to give up on the standard of man that I want for myself and my son. I see a lot of men who are desperate and just want to hurry the process but I have learnt in life that nothing good comes out of desperation.
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There are times when you will see some of your married friends; their husbands take them out for lunch or just for some good, quality family time and you desire the same for yourself. I see these things sometimes and I desire them too; after all, I am human, not a robot. Still, I won’t let the desire to have that same experience pressure me blindly into a relationship.
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When I see these things and I love them, I do the same for myself to the best of my ability and to my taste. I want a treat? I give myself a treat. I want to go chill in a place, I take myself there and chill. Sometimes, I go alone, sometimes I go with friends.
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If I want a family time? My son and I will go out.
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“My son and I are very close; sometimes my son will say ‘I pity whomever is going to marry you – he will be so jealous of me.’ Interestingly, my son has a specification of the kind of man he’d like to see me date (or marry) – almost like, the kind of daddy he’d love to have. For example, one day, one of the curtain rails fell and we were trying to fix it and then he said ‘mommy, you have to marry a tall man o because this rail is stressing you’
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Another major challenge that I have faced as a single mother is the financial side of things. Not every single mother faces this challenge though; some single mothers have financial support from their partners. In my own case, for a while, the bulk of the financial responsibilities for my son fell on me; and shouldering that responsibility was sometimes overwhelming. Lately, this has changed, my partner now offers support for the raising of our son.
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To every single mother reading this, I will say to you – you will be pressured on every side; even from the people you least expect it from but please stay strong. Don’t let the pressure people put on you push you to make unhealthy choices, especially people who don’t understand your journey.
Also, I’d tell single mothers to never write people off just because of their prior experience. If a man is showing you love, don’t rebuff it. You may have suffered a horrible experience in the hands of a man but there are still good men out there. Keep an open mind as you carry on with your life, not every man wants to take advantage of you.
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Also, whatever you want from your ideal man, be prepared to be the same for him too. You shouldn’t just sit there waiting for a man that will come into your life and carry all the burdens of the child you had with someone else. What I’m saying is, don’t just sit there waiting for the man you’d offload the burdens of raising your kid on. It should be a joint thing and you should be willing to step up and play your part.
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Even though my former workplace wanted us to infuse our personal lives into our shows and our presentations as OAPs; I deliberately kept away my status as a single mother because people already had some notions about females in the broadcast/entertainment industry and I didn’t want anyone to attribute such erroneous notions to why I was a single mom.
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Also, my son’s father and I still have a good rapport and even though I make most of the decisions, I carry him along in everything about our boy’s life. He did not want him in the public space at that time and so I kept the fact that I was a single mother away from my radio shows at that time.
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It’s been 11 years of winging this together and our bond gets stronger. My son is my padi, my gist partner, my companion, everything.”
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(Ibadan, 2020)
