If you ever get kidnapped and you are dropped miraculously in a city, here are 8 ways to know if you were dropped in Ibadan.
1. If you get to any crowded space like – garages or markets, watch out for this melodious call:
“Facebook- Ofe
Browsing- Ofe
2go- Ofe
Yahoomail – Ofe
Iwo ti won ba n ja owo e ni’jakuja,
Maa bo ni bi yi, a o be e se!”
This a very important anthem in our Ibadan. If you do not hear this melodious
call, it is NOT likely that you are
in Ibadan.
2. We don’t make or receive phone calls in buses. Here’s why: passengers on the bus share gist loudly; discussing like they were family members even though they only just met on the bus and don’t know one another’s names. If this is not the case then you are NOT in Ibadan. In an Ibadan bus, there will always be that one person who has a transistor radio or who has his phone radio on speaker. China phones! Yes, those loud chinko phones, if you’re in an Ibadan bus, someone must be playing fuji music. If you enter a bus and it is all so quiet that you can make or receive calls, then you are not in Ibadan. If it is an emergency and you may have to put the call on speaker-phone too. That’s how we all contribute to the noise on the bus. HOWEVER, I must warn you – that phone conversation you had speaker-phone will be the next topic of conversation on this jolly ride. No, we do not know how to mind our business here. If the above is your experience, I say to you, “welcome to Ibadan”
3. Pedestrian bridge? Ki lo n je be?
There are few pedestrian bridges in Ibadan, and honestly, I am not sure why they were made; especially the one around Queen’s cinema in Dugbe. If you see people running across the road when there’s pedestrian bridge, then you are definitely in Ibadan. Here, we do not have time to climb any bridge. Running across the road seems faster.
4. The front seat signature. Ibadan is a very unique city. First is the micra. No city has got the Micra imprint like Ibadan does! If you don’t know Micra cabs, they are really small rat-like automobiles predominantly used as cabs. Now, it gets interesting because not only are the cabs small, two people get to share the passenger seat next to the driver! You take the front seat every time and after a few days, your thighs begin to ache, it is from squeezing yourself in the front seat and the gear bashing you on the side of your thigh. I do not know why the most difficult gears are in Ibadan cars – them no dey enter gear lowo kan. If this is your experience and you’re wondering where you are, relax bros, you’re in Ibadan.
5. Ask an innocent question. If you get an appropriate reply with a little bit of savagery sprinkled right on top of the answer, you must be in Ibadan. Ibadan is not a place for silly questions or suegbe acts. You have to think well before asking questions or pricing things from market women, bus conductors and people who render services. Verbal savagery is a thing for us – we dish it before it gets cold, we serve it so hot. Don’t be silly. Don’t be stupid. Don’t be suegbe. Don’t be unfortunate.
6. We do not join
the world in Jollof battles – this is one of those rare times we mind our
business. What is our business? Our business is Amala with Gbegiri/Ewedu and
assorted meat swimming in layers of red oil. We do not care about the colour or
the nationality of your Jollof rice. Hian! You can keep your Jollof rice and
“sikiin (chicken)”.
We have something deeper. If you go to three canteens and all they have is
Amala with Ewedu + gbegiri, then I say to you with all confidence, you’re in
Ibadan.
7. If you look round and you’re surrounded by shops, then you are definitely in Ibadan. You do not have to travel a mile to buy things in Ibadan just look around, there will be shops all around you stocking and selling what you need. Even foodstuff. Selling things here especially in shops is the real deal here. You can have 5 shops on the same street selling the same exact thing. Having a shop is the way to show you have arrived even if the shop closes down in a few months.
8. If the road dividers are lined with bags of packed dirt spilling over as you drive along, cramped in the passenger seat of a micra cab were the passengers are talking so familiarly at the top of their lungs even though they never knew each other, then you must be in Ibadan. And no, don’t you ever say that! Ibadan is not dirty – we only have a waste disposal problem.
If you find any of these 8 signs all around you, my guy, welcome to Ibadan!
